I am six weeks pregnant with my second child. I have a two year old little boy who is smart, sweet, completely healthy and hilariously funny. I have a husband who loves me so well. I have a job, my husband has a job, we have a home, two cars in the drivcway, a wonderful family...I have everything. So why the darkness? I've been asking myself that for nearly three weeks now.
It's hard to explain exactly what I'm feeling and even harder to explain why I'm feeling it. Almost a month ago, I started feeling an overwhelming sadness and even greater anxiety. I started crying 24 hours a day, sometimes about nothing...sometimes about everything. My chest hurt from the panic I felt and my heart hurt from the sadness. I felt like I was losing it and I have never felt more unlike myself. We told my parents I was pregnant and then I burst into tears. Dave and I went on our anniversary date and I cried the ENTIRE time. I wanted to do nothing but lay in bed but mostly all I wanted to do was sleep. Because when I slept, it didn't hurt as much. I didn't have to think or worry or stress...which is what my mind was doing all day, every day.
During the first week of this madness, we were scheduled to fly out to Florida at the end of the same week. I was scared to death. Getting on a plane seemed as crazy to me as getting on a spaceship. I did NOT want to do it. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a full-on panic attack or work myself into an attack during the day. I was terrified of what could happen but I was also scared of having an attack on the plane and having no where to go. Having gone through postpartum with Carter, I have learned some ways to calm myself down. But only a few of them would have worked 50,000 feet in the air. I had ridden airplanes before and NEVER felt what I was experiencing then. I was in and out of the doctor all week...between bloodwork, two EKG's and a thyroid test, it was determined that all of it was caused by hormones, but funny how that realization just didn't take it all away. Instead, it made me feel even more hopeless because it meant there was nothing I could do or take to rid myself of the horrible, incessant feelings I was feeling. The doctors tried convincing me to take medication to ease the anxiety, but no one could prescribe something that wouldn't cause harm to the baby. (Fortunately, the last doctor I saw before we left mentioned an anxiety pill that has zero effect on the baby. I take it three times a day and it has a calming effect.) The morning of our flight, I BEGGED Dave not to make me go. He says he has never seen me like that. But what I already knew, deep down, was that it was my ultimately my choice. So, we went and it was ONLY by the grace of God that I did. Was it easy? Heck no. Was I determined to prove to myself that I could do it? I could have cared less. But I did not want to disappoint my husband or family...and in the end, God showed me what HE could do.
I cannot downplay the presence of God in all of this. Nothing has brought me greater comfort than scripture, the prayers of others and hearing His promises played out in praise music. While there are many moments when I feel like He has forgotten me, there are other moments when I know He is carrying me in His hands. He has a reason for bringing me through this, so I will trust Him, cling to Him and hang on for rest of the ride...as miserable and hard as it might be.
This blog is my journey out of the darkness because I know God will not keep me here. It is mostly for me, but I pray that God has a purpose for it...just like I know He has a purpose for my struggle.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
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