I hate, hate, HATE that word. For me it screams troubled, insecure, moody, weak, helpless and worst of all, hopeless. I have been refusing to use the word when I describe what I'm feeling or what I'm going through...but I think I have to realize that, along with the anxiety, it's the only word to describe what I'm going through.
The waves of sadness that crash over me are greater than you could ever imagine. One minute, I'll be fine, feeling relatively normal...when it comes over me like a monsoon. It makes my body hurt and sends my mind and my heart into overdrive, often resulting in a panic attack. This is what happened tonight. I was helping my mom at church while Carter was in his childcare class. I was in her office when I started to feel very weak and very down. I called Dave right away because I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or not. He talked me through it and by the end of our phone call, he was standing right beside me with a Sprite and crackers since I had not eaten in several hours. Thinking all was well, but still not feeling exactly right, I got up, picked up Carter, and went on home with my mom. I was on the verge of tears, but since I hate for Carter or anyone to see me that way, I fought them with every ounce of myself. As we were eating dinner, the waves got bigger and crashed down harder than ever before. Uncontrollable sobs resulted in a panic attack, all the while I am feeling like a horrible mom, an incompetent person and overwhelmed with thoughts of returning to work, being alone the next day and adding another child to my life when I can't even handle the current life I have. Fortunately, my mom was there to talk me through the attack and my dad had just shown up and took over with Carter.
I HATE what depression is doing to me. HATE it. This is NO way to live life, no matter if it's just for a season or longer. It makes you afraid to wake up in the morning because you know that the sadness, fears, and negativity are what are going to greet you when you open your eyes. It makes you hurt from the tension and the chest pains that join in with the panic. It makes you feel so distant, from others and from your real self. I asked Dave the other day if he even still saw me because I didn't even feel like Amy existed anymore. And it makes you nervewrecked because you know eventually another wave is going to swell and come crashing down, ususally when you least expect it. You become jealous of people that you see around you who are smiling, seemingly unaware that there is even a condition called depression. They laugh, they joke around, they do what they gotta do on their own...heck, I'm even envious of my two year old. His only definition of sad is a puckered-out lip and the cause of it is usually just being told "No." I long for his joy...something I know I had not too long ago, but right now it seems further away than the middle of the ocean.
I keep begging God to take it away and I keep questioning Him over and over as to why He just hasn't taken it yet. I feel like I have released it to Him, so why is He continuing to make me endure it? I even told Him that if I must, I can handle the anxiety...just take away the depression. Give me back my ability to live, not just survive.
I don't know why He is keeping me here, with little to no progress being made. But I do know that He IS there because I always emerge from under the waves. And I guess if He keeps pulling me out, then I can trust that He is not going to leave me here forever.
On the plane to Florida, I listened to Dave's mp3 player and I only listened to one song, called "God Is Able" by Hillsong. The chorus echos through my heart every day and is often what I am chanting when a wave of sadness hits me or another panic attack threatens to take me out. His promises continue to be my comfort.
God is AbleHe will never failHe is almighty God
Greater than all we seekGreater than all we askHe has done great things
Lifted up, He defeated the graveraised to life, our God is ableIn His name, we overcomeFor the Lord, our God is able
God is with usGod is on our sideHe will make a way
Far above all we knowFar above all we hopeHe has done great things
God is with usHe will go beforeHe will never leave usHe will never leave us
God is for usHe has open armsHe will never fail usHe will never fail us
Lifted up, He defeated the graveraised to life, our God is ableIn His name, we overcomeFor the Lord, our God is able
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