What I Need

Not a lot of people know about the battle I am fighting.  I'm just not that kind of person and besides, I'm a really good faker.  But, thankfully I learned through my postpartum experience that you cannot go it alone...especially when you have a young child who depends on stability.  Dave, my parents, my sister, Ryan and my Aunt Julie have all rallied around me and have helped and supported me in their own ways.  They have all been amazing and I feel awful for the pain that I have caused them in seeing me this way.  And while they have all been what I need, when I need it, I know they are often left feeling helpless because the ways that they can help are limited.

And then there are others who know a little less about my current struggles, but are still well-meaning in their attempts to help me "feel better."  I don't expect them to understand what I'm going through, but I do hope that they will just understand that I am going through something.  

My mom and my counselor both said it would be good to figure out what I need from those around me who are closest to my situation.  I don't want it to sound rude or ungrateful, but I am hoping it will be helpful.

• I need affirmation...of my feelings and my thoughts (which are both out of my control right now.)  Don't tell me "it will be OK" or "You're fine" because obviously it isn't and I'm not.  Yes, speak truth to me, especially when the negativity outweighs rational thinking, but don't minimize or sugar-coat what is very real to me at the moment.
• I need to be with others.  In other words, don't leave me.  I feel so incompetent and unstable right now, that the thought of being alone for even just a short amount of time sends me into a panic.  It's when I'm alone that the negative thoughts consume me.
• I need normalcy, which kind of goes hand in hand with the above need.  I crave normal conversation and familiar environments.  
• I need to be pushed, not forced.  Yes, I know I need to get out of bed but there are mornings where that one task is as daunting as hiking a steep mountain.  Yes, I'm sure taking a walk would feel nice, but the fear of a panic attack while out with my two-year old just doesn't sound very relaxing.  Don't make me do what I'm uncomfortable doing, especially by myself, but gently help me do what I feel I can do or try. And ask me what I feel up to doing...don't tell me.
• I need understanding.  This isn't just a "bad day" or "moodiness"...this is a medical condition, a sickness, that is consuming my life right now.  I know it's not comfortable for the people around me, but it's real and it's not just going to go away because I "change my thoughts."  
• I need you to listen.  Don't pretend that the elephant is not in the room.  It is and it's huge.  Changing the subject or trying to make me laugh will not make it disappear.  Let me get it out so that maybe, just maybe, it won't find it's way back in.
• I need prayer.  This is bigger than me, but thankfully it's not bigger than God.  If He's not going to let me out of it right now, please pray that He will use it.
• I need YOU.  If you are reading this, thank you.  You have been everything I need and I don't know how I would survive this without you.  I thank God for you.