Good Days

I have good moments, which have slowly progressed into good days.  I know the mornings are the toughest.  I never know what feelings, thoughts or emotions will be there when I open my eyes (not to mention the nausea and morning sickness that make me feel even worse!)  The evenings can also get iffy, depending on what we are doing or what lies ahead the next day.  But between the two, I can often have very good days.  I take care of Carter, hang out with my Mom, find projects to keep me busy whether at home, Mom's house or the church.  I have learned that keeping my mind and hands busy is one of the best ways to avoid the anxiety.  The only thing I can't and won't think about is going back to work.  And I have yet to trust myself alone yet, since my greatest fear remains having an attack or an episode when I am by myself with Carter.

I still feel very numb, even on my best day.  I'm very much going through the motions of what is typically normal and pleasant for me. To be honest, I don't look forward to very much, which stinks.  Everything in me just wants to lay in bed and not think about anything, but I know how bad that is for me and how it would send me in the other direction.

Even as I type this, I feel empty.  Like, I'm just a shell of myself.  I feel like I've gotten my emotions nearly completely under control, but I've been working so hard to make that happen that I've become drained, exhausted and numb in the process.  I am praying every minute of every day that my REAL joy will return.  I can feel happy or even laugh when Carter does something funny or when someone says something funny to me, but it's not the same as it used to be.  I want my joy back more than I have ever wanted anything for myself.  I feel like I'm wandering, picking up pieces of me along the way...but very, very slowly.  I know these things I am praying for will not happen overnight, but I do pray that every day God will show me that He is still working on me and that He will give me glimpses of progress so that I do not lose hope.