Good Mom

When I first started my other blog for my family, I had just given birth to Carter.  While it was a VERY happy time in my life, I was hit with a very unexpected wallop of crazy hormones that resulted in Baby Blues/Postpartum/whatever you want to call it.  I wrote about it for my blog at the time, but never posted it because I didn't think it fit the purpose of my blog.  It was also not something I wanted to remember.  I went back and found that post the other day:

The Unexpected  (May 6, 2010)

There is a part of my "baby experience" that I haven't shared with too many people. I honestly never thought I would, but I want to write about it for a few reasons. First, I always do better at communicating my thoughts in writing...I've learned through this blog that it's good for me. Second, I've always believed that God brings people through trials (and tribulations) so we can help someone else down the road. And third, I want to remember what God has brought me through.

When I was pregnant, I heard a lot of women talk about the postpartum part of having a baby. I heard people mention postpartum depression, incessant crying, uncontrollable mood swings, etc. But I literally tuned all of that out. I told myself that it would never happen to me because I would be able to control my emotions no matter what. Ha. :) I also thought about how excited I would be to take Carter places, especially to church. I just knew I would be chomping at the bit to take him as soon as possible. So I did not expect what actually happened after Carter was born.

When we came home from the hospital, I was on some good pain medicine. :) Among other side effects, it almost made me feel like I was in a state of euphoria. I was deliriously happy and content. Well, eventually I came off that medicine and my new reality hit. I started feeling very sad and I couldn't explain why...I had everything. What was I feeling sad about? I would burst into tears about silly things...like, thinking about Carter getting bigger and growing up or about something happening to him. The thoughts would consume me at times and it became very hard to think positively.

But more than the sadness, I was afraid. I had very strong, very real fears about taking Carter into public or even just being in a social setting (like, someone coming over to visit.) I started to have panic attacks and it was very hard for me to be around other people, outside of my family. But it was almost a Catch 22. I had a hard time being around people, but yet when I was alone, the sadness got worse and deeper. While Dave was at work, my mom, dad and sister would sometimes rotate coming to be with me. The thought of taking Carter anywhere...Target, the grocery store, church...terrified me. I would envision people swarming around us and I even had nightmares of people taking him from me.

I started realizing something more than just "hormones" was going on, but I didn't want to say anything to anyone. I felt like it made me a bad mom to have these feelings and that it would all just go away in time. I didn't even tell Dave. It wasn't until my mom found me sobbing one day that I let it all come out. She convinced me to go see the doctor, and I am so glad I did.

That's all I wrote for some reason.  I remember writing it after I had been prescribed some anxiety/depression medication that eventually helped stablize me and get me back on my feet.  It was a scary, unexpected season in my life that thankfully, God has let me use several times to help some other new moms who had the same thoughts/worries/fear but had no idea what they were.  That is what gives me hope that He will let me use THIS season, which is harder and even darker than the other, to help others.

All I remember at the time, which is similar to what I feel now, is wondering if I was ever going to climb out of it.  Was I going to be like this forever?  Was my baby going to grow up with a mom who couldn't do anything for herself and who cried ALL the time?  Was I ever going to feel like a REAL mom?  I find it interesting that my fears then were all about Carter, whereas now, my fears are mostly about me, but with a lot of the same underlying thoughts.  This sickness keeps telling me that I'm a bad mom, that if I can't even handle my current life with one, how on earth am I going to handle life with two?  What if this happens again when I have two little lives depending on me?  But that thought alone is what reminds me of the truth...I AM a good mom.  I'm not Super Woman, I'm not Julia Child, I'm not the mom on Pinterest with all the amazing ideas to boost her child's intellect and creativity...but I AM a good mom.  It's because I love my child(ren) that I have continued to fight this battle in my life.  It's because I love them that I got help as soon as I did.  It's all because I love them...and I think that makes me a good mom.